I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
the raccoons are back...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
