Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
