i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
