I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
