Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
