At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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