dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
