I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
