I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
