Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I DEMAND FORESKIN
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
