have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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