happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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