I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
