what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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