My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
