Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The air was thick with penises
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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