we have pet lesbian snakes
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
