does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
