i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
