My friends, they love my intelligence
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My cat gives me a boner
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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