I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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