Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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