I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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