omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
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I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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