I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
