I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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