Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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