you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
