I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
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Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
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I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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