naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
