So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
