i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
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I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
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I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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