i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
