Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
