I think im going to throw up on grandma
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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