I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
