1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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