I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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