Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
