i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
