i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i wish my penis had a tongue
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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