there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
