My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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