Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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