If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
