hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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