I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
