he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
