How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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