she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
