I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
are you so shy because you have an std?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
