Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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